August 12th, 2003

Here I sit again, just a few days after my 5.5 day wilderness retreat where God and I met in a new and powerful way – and again I am under siege. I listen to the song…”And when I am alone, and when I am alone, give me Jesus.”

I am so alone.

I thought I experienced “aloneness” when I was out in the woods. But God, that does not compare to the aloneness I feel now. I wasn’t prepared for this. Maybe I should have been, but I wasn’t. There is only you. Brenda doesn’t get it – and I will never be able to explain it. I think I spoke to quickly to Jerry to Nick, Reed and Geoff. I tried to include them in this – and this is not meant for anyone else.

I don’t know if I can do this, God. Just like some people in Weigh Down (a weight loss program) had never experienced true hunger – perhaps for the first time I am experiencing true “loneliness” – to be completely isolated from other people. It’s only you. You are the only one who knows my heart. My heart is yours alone. God I’m going to need all your strength to live it out because the urge to drag someone into this with me or compromise it is almost overwhelming. I have to be prepared to live out the rest of my years just like this – and it is like breathing ammonia instead of oxygen for me.

The music. The music The music The music The music The music The music The music. To dance To dance To dance To dance To dance To dance To dance To dance To dance To dance All for you All for you All for you All for you All for you All for you All for you All for you All for you

Fill me Holy Spirit. I need your strength and protection today. I submit once again my whole life to you God. My Soul. My heart my mind, my body – sacrifices for you. Use me. Take me. There is only you. You are my sanctuary.

God, prepare me for battle today. The enemy attacks relentlessly. He pursues the people I love and I must stand between them…no he reaches THROUGH me and I need your strength to help me from becoming his patsy.

Jesus, once again I stand before you and offer myself up to you fully. You are my God, my King and I rally to your banner. I claim the promise of your crucifixion, in which the old self has been killed. That part of me is no longer me – it is other. It no longer lives, because it died with you on the cross. I claim the promise of your resurrection, in which my true heart is revealed – brought back to life. The restored order. The man I was created to be can now live because Jesus lives. I have been born once again. I can be passionate, I can be romantic, I can be detailed, I can be emotional, I can be free of shame because there is no other standard by which I am judged accept for my submission to the original design of who I am. Thank you, Jesus.

I claim the promise of your ascension, Jesus. The promise that says you are Lord of all – you have defeated the enemy, and I share in that victory. I claim that victory now, and I claim the authority over the enemy. I rebuke him, his minions his schemes and his lies.

Because He lives – I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone. Because I know, He holds the future, and life is worth the living, just because He lives.

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