Some days, some circumstances bring out my true motives in stark contrast to the motives I wish drove me, the motives that should inspire me, motives that are holy, courageous, altruistic and beautiful.
Some days so clearly reveal my desire for approval and acceptance that it stands out against the backdrop of those higher motives like a silhouette.
It hit me like a punch yesterday as a I wrestled with the near-panic closing in on me. The anxiety was refining my thoughts, carving away the affectations, demanding an unvarnished, unadorned look at what was happening as my heart-rate climbed, my vision blurred and my mind began to blur. The words came into my conscious mind with violence:
“Who will you choose to disappoint today?”
There’s not a single person who I don’t have the potential of hurting, disappointing, off-putting, letting down, offending, misunderstanding, mistreating, wounding, injuring, disillusioning.
Every relationship is a time-bomb. My world is a mine-field packed so tightly together that I can’t avoid stepping on some. I feel the anxiety of the inevitable explosion…
Don’t answer an email / answer and email
Don’t return a text / return a text
Choose not to converse / converse
Take time off / don’t…
It doesn’t matter what I choose – I will be diminished in someone’s view.
This is the truth of what drives me from one moment to the next…a nearly unbroken sheet of motivation which defines me…standing in stark contrast to anything like real love.
I am afraid and ashamed. A tragic character. I’m not Sam Wise Gamgee. I’m fucking Boromir.