It seems that the deepest moments of communion with God always include an image of me living out these deep moments in front of others – packaging them into some kind of art form and then performing them.
This morning I was so moved by the song “Come Down” with it’s desperate lyrics: ”I’m banging on your door!”; and as I acted out the words in the privacy of my office, as I felt the impact of the experience, as I was compelled to involve my body in what my mind and heart and soul were doing, I could not help imagining singing this song (really more like ACTING OUT this song) on a stage for others to see.
I know that I hunger for attention. I also know that this hunger is slowly subsiding with time. But I can’t tell where the margin exists between some deep, dysfunctional “Spiritual Exhibitionist” need – and some kind of gift that God may have given me.
When I allow myself to toy with the dubious idea of some kind of “completion” to my spiritual maturity – when I imagine what I might be like when I finally “grow up”, when I “arrive”, it seems to include a strong component of public exhibition…being a spectacle, tearing down pretences, living out the passion and the pain in public, letting people watch me, intentionally putting on display what is happening inside me.
If this is God’s plan – I know there are major hurdles yet to be cleared. If it is not God’s plan, I know there are major hurdles yet to be cleared.