Spiritual Exhibitionism

It seems that the deepest moments of communion with God always include an image of me living out these deep moments in front of others – packaging them into some kind of art form and then performing them.

This morning I was so moved by the song “Come Down” with it’s desperate lyrics: ”I’m banging on your door!”; and as I acted out the words in the privacy of my office, as I felt the impact of the experience, as  I was compelled to involve my body in what my mind and heart and soul were doing, I could not help imagining singing this song (really more like ACTING OUT this song) on a stage for others to see.

I know that I hunger for attention. I also know that this hunger is slowly subsiding with time. But I can’t tell where the margin exists between some deep, dysfunctional “Spiritual Exhibitionist” need – and some kind of gift that God may have given me.

When I allow myself to toy with the dubious idea of some kind of “completion” to my spiritual maturity – when I imagine what I might be like when I finally “grow up”, when I “arrive”, it seems to include a strong component of public exhibition…being a spectacle, tearing down pretences, living out the passion and the pain in public, letting people watch me, intentionally putting on display what is happening inside me.

If this is God’s plan – I know there are major hurdles yet to be cleared. If it is not God’s plan, I know there are major hurdles yet to be cleared.

2 thoughts on “Spiritual Exhibitionism

  1. Yes, thank you for sharing!

    I am a sucker for the approval of man. I have always felt I need to earn the love of others and since I suck, I never have that love. Lies, lies, lies. For a long time I withdrew from sharing any of my work…writing, photography, I stopped doing art completely. I didn’t want to do it for the wrong reasons. But then I realized that I was denying the gifts God gave me and that it was HIS responsibility to change my heart–so long as I desired to do these things for him, if that was really my heart or not didn’t matter because he could change my heart and I couldn’t.

    Still a work in progress.

  2. I am the last person you will ever see onstage dancing or singing, but the craving you describe is still all too familiar. (ouch)
    Thanks for sharing

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