November 11th – November 18th, 2005

So much life. I feel it straining against the seams of my….personality? What is it trying to escape from? What is chafing against all the life coming out? What is it that leaves little red impressions in my skin like a belt-too-tight, or an ill-fitting pair of pants?

Where life DOES squeeze out, it comes out in such strange little ways: Seeing tools hanging on the wall of my newly constructed shed in an orderly fashion: LIFE! Anticipating a meal: LIFE! Not just the sensation of the heater and the candles and the cold light coming through the blinds; it’s the IDEA of those things. It’s more than the sensory input or even the experience itself…

I anticipate feeling pain now. It’s not masochism as I understand it…(besides there are many KINDS of pain that I do NOT look forward to and I’m not getting off on it). But there is something so living, so squirming and fluid-filled about mourning…about grieving…about conviction and realization and repentance. I could become a repentance junky…YIKES! What’s that?

I feel two things this morning…

1)      Continued confusion about what it is that “holds back” the LIFE…that strains against it…the contradictions thing I guess.

2)      Worship. Adoration. Love for the Creator that made it possible, even the contradictions. I guess that’s part of it then, isn’t it? Somehow, the synergy of the moderating force in my life which struggles against the force of unbridled LIFE defines me and makes the entire experience of living possible somehow. I love the author of my life. I love how HE touches me. How He pursues me and surprises me. I love how He has wired me to receive LIFE. The Bible says we were made for His pleasure, and like so many others, there are times when I resent His selfishness…some have made a career of resenting Him. But today, I’m acutely aware that it is through giving US pleasure that HE receives His own. He is the most gracious of lovers….truly His ecstasy is fulfilled only when mine is.

How I long to be a lover like Him.

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Such interesting connections during my time with Alex last night. X’s treatment of me (of himself and of love in general) is betrayal. I was betrayed by my family (by my mom in particular). I was treated as a criminal when a crime had actually been perpetrated against me. Go figure: when something like this happens again I tend to be a bit touchy. Alex used the word “bullied” in describing how X is treating me.

I hate bullies. I hate bullying. But the truth is that I’m afraid of confronting bullies when it comes right down to it. I FEEL like I should, like I want to…but I’m afraid.

If I didn’t confront them in the way and for the reasons that Jesus did not confront…it would be one thing. But the reason I don’t is self-preservation. I don’t know…maybe I’m beginning to confront in appropriate ways these days. There is a price to be paid for it though. Bullies make you pay when you present the truth to them.

There’s a contradiction in there…I know that bullies are simply scared and wounded people, and that God loves them…that ultimately they must find their way into love and healing and forgiveness, and it’s my job to facilitate parts of that. The contradiction lies in the fact that I want to punish them. I want them to stop victimizing others ESPECIALY because they do it out of their own pain. I think it would almost be easier to deal with someone who caused pain because they liked doing it. Maybe dealing with psychopaths is easier: they can be pitied.

I really have no pity for X. I mean, there are moments that I mourn the loss of all his potential to his self-serving abusiveness. But it’s rare that I really sympathize with the hell he must live in….because it’s self-imposed, and self-constructed.

But at the same time I also see (like I see in my mom’s life) the external causes. Stuff he didn’t ask for and was “done” to him that results in this. Ultimately, yes, we must each stand before God alone…responsible for our own choices…the Devil can’t MAKE us do anything…but still it’s a sad state of affairs when a kid gets treated like X did, or like Mom did.

Lyrics of the song I’m listening to: “Jesus…sent to save not to condemn.”

God help me to embrace the contradictions within me, and help me to differentiate between myself and all that is other.

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Mark 7:37 “He (Jesus) has done everything well…” I say it to people all the time: HOW we do things is as important as WHAT we do. Maybe I’m under-emphasizing it. Maybe WHAT we do is ultimately pointless…at least in the natural.

Healed people get sick again.

People forget what they’re taught

Inspiration wears off

We fall out of love

We sin…over and over again.

Lazarus eventually died…again. Could it be that it’s ENTIRELY how we do things?

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