Tag Archives: Mourning

April 26th, 2007

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I imagined opening the sliding glass door and sitting on the rain soaked deck…letting the wind and rain chill me. Mourning. Crying out. Asking the universe to pity me. Pity. My favorite flavor of approval. Yes, approval comes in many flavors. Applause, encouragement, lust, envy, and even pity gives validation…it says to the mourner, “I approve of your pain. You are JUSTIFIED!” Sadly, the work which is meant to be done by God alone, and yet we turn to others to approve us, to justify us.

So I realized that pity is a form of approval and that I have set up pity as part of a pantheon of idols!

I have asked you, God to tear down my idols; to help to do it anyway…to show me where they are…what they are. Oh, how large and shiny PITY must be. I heard the voice of the enemy again today…he draws me back in my own memory to the 7th grade…back to being 5 when I first tasted the sweet, hollow pleasure of pity.

I worship it.

I bow before it.

I long for it.

It owns me.

I have let it secretly own me.

Now that I’m older and have been in a mostly healthy, long-term relationship…now that I have tasted of the sweetness of real love…pity is simply an addiction. When I fear I can’t get the REAL thing….my heart immediately returns to the old stand-by.

Brenda is distant. She is in her own place that really has little to do with me. That’s sad. I’m sad about that. I miss her. I want her back. But what I CAN NOT DO is try to substitute some kind of pity for what she is unable to give me.

Maybe she’ll never figure it out. She may never be able to express her love. She SEES me…but it is never followed up with letting me see HER…which would be a very loving and intimate thing to do.

I don’t know exactly how to deal with that prospect…but today at least I understand that pity is not a substitute, and God, you are graciously burning it away. It hurts like hell. But I will try to be very quiet…I will not cry out. I will not cry out for pity.

I went to two of my friends yesterday and told them what was going on in my head and my heart regarding these “other women”…I have asked for remedial accountability from both of them.

April 24th, 2007

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So a couple of weeks ago we had another low-grade argument, or if you want to be optimistic, “a vigorous discussion”. The up-shot was, “Dan…you need to just let things go. Just stop trying to make things happen, don’t take offense…etc. etc.” So I turned a corner. I forced myself around a corner and I said…”o.k. I think I can do that.”

I feel like I’ve been sporadically successful at it so far.

But as I work to try to let it all go, I’m forced to realize that nothing has fundamentally changed since….the Fall of 2006.

We’re right where we were months ago. Just scarred and disfigured and with less trust in one another.

I don’t know what else to do. If I push, if I try…it’s invasive and unwelcome. If I let go…she just drifts away. I’m worried that I will just shut down; give up. She’s convinced that I will not shut down. “You’re afraid of that Dan, but it doesn’t ever happen…” she says with a certain smugness.

But she doesn’t know how close I am to just casting off. And I don’t like back-tracking; I can’t see any way back from the place I’m tempted to go.

But…based on that last conversation…I’m committed to letting go.

What a shame. We could have really been something together.

Okay, the truth is: I just wrote that last portion with her in mind…I was imagining her reading my journal. Before making today’s entry, I re-read all the entries from 18 months ago until now…and the thought got stuck in my head that I should let her read it. So that was on my mind as I wrote.

Funny…letting her read it is so appealing to me…even the scary parts that will make her mad, or hurt…because it would gain her attention, more specifically her PITY. That’s what I’m trying to get from her: Pity.

Well, here’s a little something else that will make it difficult to EVER let her see this: I’m having the early rumblings of an attraction for someone else. A woman who actually likes me…she actually likes me. She thinks I’m worth sharing secrets with. She trusts me. I think if I sat her down and shared with her…she’d let me in.

On top of that, a friend made contact with the child of my years-long high school crush. I had it BAD for her back in the day. Somehow, my name came up in their conversation, and this person says something like, “He’s one of my mom’s oldest friends. She tells stories about him all the time!” (or something like that).

I haven’t seen or heard from this woman in years, and I‘ve never even met her child.

But at least I’m a legend in SOMEBODY’S world.

Oh Dear God, please forgive me. Deliver me from evil. Help me up to my own cross. I’m too weak and scared. Lift me up…drive the nails.

Oh God, be with all of the people I am so willing to use.