Tag Archives: Identity

May 1st, 2007

Posts, , , ,

This entry must serve as a summary-marker for one-side of a very deep valley I was about to cross. My journal from this “season within a season” contains many words, the airing of which will edify no one (including even myself). But this entry marks the left- hand side of that valley walk, the LEFT, where my brain becomes fully engaged in what is required to move forward. I must move from left to right, the place where heart and soul become engaged. This entry marks the awakening of the Pilgrim mind. That awakening sets the Pilgrim feet on the path to the Pilgrim heart.

The left side of the valley could be defined by the awareness of what complete death-to-self really looks like. I wrote this entry in an attempt to defend my repeated efforts to get Brenda to do certain things. The “push-back” I was receiving was along the lines of:

“Your being a legalist. You’re demanding things that are not your business to demand. You’re trying to control and manipulate.” I was saying, “No…the things I’m asking for are representative of the HEART I need to see in my wife.”

I was quite convinced of my “rightness”. In fact, as of today (October of 2010) I am still convinced that  I was right. But looking back now from the other side of the valley, being right is not the same as embracing truth. And the truth can be terrifying.

Brenda, imagine this:

On your way to see me each time,  you visit with “Grandma”, and receive love and affection and new life and inspiration. Grandma loves you! The flowers you bring me are beautiful certainly…and I enjoy them…and they speak to me of your love and affection. But I also love to see how ALIVE you are after spending time in the garden with Grandma. I always encourage you to visit her because it brings so much life into you and I want you to have abundant life! The flowers are simply a symbol of ALL that. The flowers represent ALL of what I just wrote. No sermons. No speeches.

Now, how would I feel if you arrived one day after a LONG gap in flower deliveries, and you’re carrying some flowers for me…only you share that you had not been to visit Grandma at all. These are not flowers from her garden. You share that in fact, you were walking through a dark and dangerous alley that doesn’t go anywhere near Grandma’s house, and that’s why I hadn’t been seeing as many flowers lately; you weren’t in the place to receive them. You go onto to explain that just today in this alley you were stopped by a big thug and store-bought flowers were thrust into your hand, and he said, “Dan told me he likes flowers….now give these to him or I’ll beat you! Oh…and I’ll be checking with him to make sure you did!”

I would perfectly understand WHY you brought me flowers. I would be in hearty disagreement with the thug who threatened you and angry at his behavior. But the flowers would not have the effect of expressing any love or tenderness to me…in fact the irony is that I finally received this expression I was so longing for, but due to the coercion behind it, I felt mostly bitterness and resentment too. Apart from my own feelings of neglect, I also worry about your well being in that you have been choosing this dark alley as a route and not the route past Grandma’s house where you receive life and love.

What are my options now Brenda? Insist that you never go through that alley again? Barricade the dark alley? Hire a P.I. to make sure?

THE FOLLOWING IS THE VOICE OF GOD SPOKEN DIRECTLY TO ME. HE MADE ME TYPE THIS OUT. HE GENTLY BUT FIRMLY STUCK MY FACE RIGHT IN IT:

If I really love you, I guess I’ll have to walk with you through whatever dark alley you choose…and I’ll defend you against any thug who attacks….even when it’s by your own choice that you expose yourself to danger. Because that’s what was done for me on the cross.

March 27th, 2007

Posts, , , , , , , ,

I was asked to write answers to the following 4 questions by my Counselor/Spiritual Director.

How does my profession distract me from my Journey?

1)      To succeed in the profession requires high levels of activity, whereas success in the journey requires stillness.

The higher activity level required for professional success is like junk food, sex or alcohol. It’s very alluring, it makes you feel good, but can become addictive. The short term high of professional success can seize my attention and steal it away from the business of stillness.

High activity levels, “doing” seems to be a part of my God-given wiring. Therefore professional activity will always capture my attention first.

2)  Most of the human approval I receive comes from professional activity. I am popular

at work.

I am a 2 with a 3 wing. (a reference the personality assessment tool called the Enneyagram) Having people line up outside my office door and tell me (in so many words) that “I’m the only one who understands…the only one who can help”, feeds my basic need. With this need being met at work – receiving affirmation and approval from God seems like the “slow/hard” way.

3)      Without consciously trying to, I begin to develop the idea that I have “arrived” at some magical point in my journey that no longer requires the amount of attention it did earlier…simply because I have a position of leadership – those around me seem to think I’ve arrived somewhere, and I don’t stop to really evaluate the absurdity of that idea often or deep enough.

4)      Because I have the potential to affect a larger number of people – I am a target for

Satan. One of his ploys is to ruin or inhibit my personal journey in order to impact my professional one.

How does AC3 feed my addictions?

1)      Because I was the first hire – the one who kind of took the backdoor, unlikely,

rebellious path in to full time ministry – my role at AC3 is a “special one” (note 2 with 3 wing) I’m the one who didn’t “play by the rules” and this is a role that feeds my addictive need to be acknowledged as unique and special.

2)      In terms of a ministry, I couldn’t be better suited to be a part of AC3. The emphasis on creativity and freedom, the irreverent approach to “liturgy” the musical emphasis and the opportunity to work in a pastoral role all at the same time seem custom made for me. This makes it a rarity – a 1% chance to do the things I love all day and get paid for it. This creates a jealous, “addictive” kind of need for it.

3)      I have an idealistic commitment to this style of ministry because it was exactly this kind of church that made the difference in turning me from a spiritual seeker into a Christian seeker. I tend to be radical or one might say I behave addictively in my advocacy for these ministry ideals.

4)      I receive a lot of literal applause. Through playing drums, singing and preaching, I get a lot of public affirmation which I crave.

What do I fear about my relationship with Brenda?

1)      I fear losing my masculinity. I fear that she will deem me un-manly when I act as my true self. I have given her near sole-authority in judging my manhood.

2)      I fear being tricked, duped, lied to, made a fool of. Being a laughing stock.

3)      I’m afraid that no matter what I do, no matter how much unconditional love and acceptance I give her –she will choose to spend that freedom on other things, activities and relationships. I’m afraid that I’m inadequate to keep her affections.

4)      I’m afraid she’s always secretly longing for a physically larger, more masculine man who is less emotional, less talkative, more interested in fun and relaxation…someone “simpler”…lower maintenance and manlier. I can’t be any of those things.

What perceptions and philosophies do I hold about myself?

1)      I am an idealist. To a fault.

2)      I am highly emotional.

3)      I am a story teller. A troubadour.

4)      I am empathic. I must work at not automatically adopting the view of the person in front of me without consideration.

5)      I am a creator.

6)      I love to learn the essence of things. The details rarely matter to me except as they relate to the essence of the thing. I collect experiences.

7)      I look for and see patterns in everything, from nature to human behavior.

8)      My soul is fed by being outdoors alone.

9)      I crave change and challenge. Adventures (not thrills).

10)  I am more of a pilgrim than a monk.

11)  I love to complete things.

12)  I recognize potential in people and things and am excited by the prospect of seeing it developed

13)   I love serving as a guide for people

14)  I am a romantic: From Wikipedia – “Romantic love became a recognized passion in the Middle Ages, when in some cases insurmountable barriers of morality or convention separated the lovers. The effect of physical attraction and impossibility of intimacy resulted in an excessive regard of the beloved as extremely precious. Winning the love, or at least the attention, of the beloved, motivated great efforts of many kinds, such as poetry, song or feats of arms.”

My romanticism focuses not just on women (Brenda) but on ANYTHING that I find appealing. This romanticism blends with my idealism and my love for learning “essence” so that I tend to fall in love with ideas. I love the idea of sailing. I love the idea of music, the idea of sex. My romanticism can extend to anything (following quote also from Wikipedia): One aspect of romantic love is the randomness of the encounters which lead to love.

15)  I’m easily disappointed

16)  I overreact

17)  I have a tendency to lie and exaggerate

18)  I’m afraid of many things