Tag Archives: Masculinity

March 27th, 2007

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I was asked to write answers to the following 4 questions by my Counselor/Spiritual Director.

How does my profession distract me from my Journey?

1)      To succeed in the profession requires high levels of activity, whereas success in the journey requires stillness.

The higher activity level required for professional success is like junk food, sex or alcohol. It’s very alluring, it makes you feel good, but can become addictive. The short term high of professional success can seize my attention and steal it away from the business of stillness.

High activity levels, “doing” seems to be a part of my God-given wiring. Therefore professional activity will always capture my attention first.

2)  Most of the human approval I receive comes from professional activity. I am popular

at work.

I am a 2 with a 3 wing. (a reference the personality assessment tool called the Enneyagram) Having people line up outside my office door and tell me (in so many words) that “I’m the only one who understands…the only one who can help”, feeds my basic need. With this need being met at work – receiving affirmation and approval from God seems like the “slow/hard” way.

3)      Without consciously trying to, I begin to develop the idea that I have “arrived” at some magical point in my journey that no longer requires the amount of attention it did earlier…simply because I have a position of leadership – those around me seem to think I’ve arrived somewhere, and I don’t stop to really evaluate the absurdity of that idea often or deep enough.

4)      Because I have the potential to affect a larger number of people – I am a target for

Satan. One of his ploys is to ruin or inhibit my personal journey in order to impact my professional one.

How does AC3 feed my addictions?

1)      Because I was the first hire – the one who kind of took the backdoor, unlikely,

rebellious path in to full time ministry – my role at AC3 is a “special one” (note 2 with 3 wing) I’m the one who didn’t “play by the rules” and this is a role that feeds my addictive need to be acknowledged as unique and special.

2)      In terms of a ministry, I couldn’t be better suited to be a part of AC3. The emphasis on creativity and freedom, the irreverent approach to “liturgy” the musical emphasis and the opportunity to work in a pastoral role all at the same time seem custom made for me. This makes it a rarity – a 1% chance to do the things I love all day and get paid for it. This creates a jealous, “addictive” kind of need for it.

3)      I have an idealistic commitment to this style of ministry because it was exactly this kind of church that made the difference in turning me from a spiritual seeker into a Christian seeker. I tend to be radical or one might say I behave addictively in my advocacy for these ministry ideals.

4)      I receive a lot of literal applause. Through playing drums, singing and preaching, I get a lot of public affirmation which I crave.

What do I fear about my relationship with Brenda?

1)      I fear losing my masculinity. I fear that she will deem me un-manly when I act as my true self. I have given her near sole-authority in judging my manhood.

2)      I fear being tricked, duped, lied to, made a fool of. Being a laughing stock.

3)      I’m afraid that no matter what I do, no matter how much unconditional love and acceptance I give her –she will choose to spend that freedom on other things, activities and relationships. I’m afraid that I’m inadequate to keep her affections.

4)      I’m afraid she’s always secretly longing for a physically larger, more masculine man who is less emotional, less talkative, more interested in fun and relaxation…someone “simpler”…lower maintenance and manlier. I can’t be any of those things.

What perceptions and philosophies do I hold about myself?

1)      I am an idealist. To a fault.

2)      I am highly emotional.

3)      I am a story teller. A troubadour.

4)      I am empathic. I must work at not automatically adopting the view of the person in front of me without consideration.

5)      I am a creator.

6)      I love to learn the essence of things. The details rarely matter to me except as they relate to the essence of the thing. I collect experiences.

7)      I look for and see patterns in everything, from nature to human behavior.

8)      My soul is fed by being outdoors alone.

9)      I crave change and challenge. Adventures (not thrills).

10)  I am more of a pilgrim than a monk.

11)  I love to complete things.

12)  I recognize potential in people and things and am excited by the prospect of seeing it developed

13)   I love serving as a guide for people

14)  I am a romantic: From Wikipedia – “Romantic love became a recognized passion in the Middle Ages, when in some cases insurmountable barriers of morality or convention separated the lovers. The effect of physical attraction and impossibility of intimacy resulted in an excessive regard of the beloved as extremely precious. Winning the love, or at least the attention, of the beloved, motivated great efforts of many kinds, such as poetry, song or feats of arms.”

My romanticism focuses not just on women (Brenda) but on ANYTHING that I find appealing. This romanticism blends with my idealism and my love for learning “essence” so that I tend to fall in love with ideas. I love the idea of sailing. I love the idea of music, the idea of sex. My romanticism can extend to anything (following quote also from Wikipedia): One aspect of romantic love is the randomness of the encounters which lead to love.

15)  I’m easily disappointed

16)  I overreact

17)  I have a tendency to lie and exaggerate

18)  I’m afraid of many things

December 2006 – January 2007

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The 2006 Holiday season was hell. My life was broken to a degree I did not think survivable. I didn’t journal much at all simply because I couldn’t. However, it’s evident that the theme of self-examination and plumbing the depths of my need for approval continued, even through I had entered what I now I perceive as the lowest point in my life.

I sure don’t write much when the shit really hits the fan, do I?

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Isaiah 44: He paints a picture of ridiculous behavior: we watch a tree grow, we see it being created then we cut it down, chop it up and burn half of it for fuel. We use it, dominate it, control it. With what’s left over – we make a god. Isa 46 then talks about carrying the BURDEN of this manufactured god. We serve IT. But Yahweh serves us! I think I’ve done something like this with “Brenda” or “love” or “marriage” or “approval”. I use up most of it for food and warmth, and I worship what’s left over.

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Alick said, “Women respond to a man’s holy, terrible, inner-resolve.”

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The truth about me is I want a pile of prayer journals that I can point to more than one honest moment of interceding. I want the medals on my chest, more than I want to be a hero. I want the uniform, not the responsibility. I want the paycheck and not the accomplishment. I want the applause more than the perfect performance.

I want acceptance without forgiveness, freedom without fighting, peace without responsibility and love without sacrifice.

I want all the appearances. Just the parts that others can see and respond to.

Was it McDonald who spoke of the man who owns many copies of a particular book, the first edition, the hand-written manuscript, the hard cover edition…all of them. But he has not taken into his heart the meaning of the book?

That’s me.

I’m hollow. Plastic. A fake.

I get so excited when I see all my books lined up on the shelf. I have books I’ve never read. How sad is that? I POSSESS books that I have not read, and really have no intention of reading, truthfully. But I like the titles, or I convince myself that I SHOULD read them, or I’m convinced that having them seen on my shelf will make me look a certain way.

I admire those who use the library to its fullest. There is no pretense in a library patron.

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I think I missed something in the Tom Sawyer story where he got to witness his own funeral. I’ve always thought that would be cool. I’ve fantasized about it a lot. It represents the ultimate in my desires – so much attention, so much strong emotion, so much praise and adoration.

But now that I’m watching myself die – it’s not so great.

For one thing, I’ve got to face the deep sickness in me that embraces the pity and longing others might feel at my death as the ultimate experience.

Really…what the fuck is that?

Am I not here to simply SERVE rather than to become someone who is worshiped because of his service? I’ve said it before: It seems that I will accept an ounce of pity over a pound of real affection. Where does that come from.

My “watcher” stands back in his place beside his big brother Jesus. My watcher is smaller than Jesus…holding his hand. The watcher is un-emotional. Completely secure in the presence of his big brother, and therefore able to watch his own death with dispassion. Wait…that’s not entirely true. He watches his own death like Paul did his: with anticipation, but not for pity or attention. Anticipation of the light of truth being manifest in him.

Jesus help me die today with my eyes on you, and only you.