Tag Archives: Masculinity

November 24th, 2006

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I’m beginning to feel like I’m strictly representative of something else for Brenda. The thought occurred to me that I may not fully exist as a “person” in her world. I may be emblematic of certain things, some good and some bad – but I’m unsure whether I exist in her heart at all when I’m not actually right in front of her. I feel like I wink out of existence like a TV. or computer screen.

This does not mean she has no AFFECTION for me. She might even love me like she loves a song or My Space or avocados. But I’m more of a concept than a person; something that exists only in “her” universe and is not self-existent.

October (cont cont)

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The word betrayal came up again in my meeting with Alick last night, and again this morning when I had breakfast with Darren. My wound is being poked at. Hit hard. I’m being bullied again.

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Well, it’s been a little over a month now. Nothing has changed. I’m no longer a problem to her. Haven’t heard so much as a “F you” for days. The last act of anything approaching more than roommate treatment was a “thank you” for letting go of a co-dependent demand I had made of her several weeks ago. I’m sure it was a heart-felt thank you, because I was getting out of her way.

No phone calls.

No more copies of her blog.

No waiting up for me.

No more assurances that “I’m her man.”

Nothing.

None of her happy places include me anymore. It’s all about her job, her new set of friends, “My Space” and listening to music that speaks to her about things I know nothing of and she will not explain to me.

Apparently we’re all better now.