March 1st, 2005

Oh my God…what a month February was. Mom’s kidney condition being and then a series of events…no a series of relational convulsions that still have me a reeling a little bit. Without much elaboration let me try to list these convulsions (perhaps not in order of occurrence…can’t remember that part too well):

  1. Person A explodes all over me after receiving criticism. Threatens to leave the band, Project Va’ and the small group.
  2. Person B gently and appropriately reveals that he’s been disappointed in the amount of attention I have been giving him.
  3. Person C says I’m spreading myself too thin relationally…but he doesn’t want me to stop giving HIM attention.
  4. Person D explodes all over me saying that I don’t love him because I don’t give him enough time. Threatens to leave the church.
  5. Person E reveals that he isn’t feeling loved by me, and has already, essentially left the church.
  6. Person F threatens to leave the church upon receiving a notice from me that he has to fish or cut-bait regarding Brazil (apparently he’d already decided not to go…and just stopped coming to meetings) Of course he talks to Rick about this and not me. (probably better that way given the timing).
  7. The big one: Brenda doesn’t want to go Brazil anymore.

It would serve no purpose to try to unravel all the details of these convulsions. The larger point SEEMS to be, and I guess I’m asking you now, Lord, that I am disappointing people on a wholesale level, and I’m wondering if I’m doing this right.

Over a year and half ago, God, you showed me so clearly that disappointing people was something that I am profoundly afraid of. I don’t doubt that. I also got the message that I’m going to have to start disappointing more people (which apparently I’ve been quite successful with). But…am I doing it right? Have I been a tease? Have I created expectations in people through some dysfunction of my own, and then willy-nilly broken those expectations when I feel my boundaries have been crossed?  Gotta go back and read my journal entries about disappointment….

Well, I don’t know for sure. Here’s another tid-bit that came to me earlier this week. I am profoundly dis-appointed in Brenda for not coming to Brazil. I don’t understand what’s changed. She doesn’t “feel like its right”…BUT…maybe the point is: I need to remember what it feels like to be the disappointed one, so that I’m not too flippant when I disappoint others.

Rick has accurately identified a tendency in me to go at two speeds: ALL or NOTHING. I don’t want to back track…don’t want to revisit; to anticipate the long and boring work of loving someone…I’d rather keep moving forward, or just blow it off altogether.

Am I a tease?

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