January 20th, 2006

Once again, reviewing these entries (that I haven’t read for literally YEARS) and seeing them now in their “historical” context gets a little spooky. This entry was made in the midst of feelings of loss, betrayal and pain. I could not have known that at almost this exact moment, circumstances were unfolding that would lead me to new depths of pain, but it would be months before that fruit was harvested.

I quote God as saying “No.” Looking back now, it’s clear that I misheard him. He apparently had said, “Not yet.”

I hear God telling me something new: I’m not worthy of any “real” suffering yet. Because I will immediately turn it into self glorification.

The thought began with, “If I had something as bad or worse to suffer through as an example of HOW TO suffer for those around me who are tanking their lives by being selfish – it might make a difference. I actually felt a peace about that idea. I actually half-heartedly prayed for some hardship that could be used as an example for others for HOW TO SUFFER in a Godly way.

I heard God say “no”.  And He told me very clearly why. I don’t have the chops. I would not be a good example. I would turn it into my own glory.

Jam 1:2  Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

1Pe 2:20  For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.

I may do right on any given day, but I have not been given the joy of really suffering for it because I will blow the joy on myself.

Awareness is a beginning. God I want to become worthy of suffering for you.

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