April 12th, 2006

This from February 2004:

“I keep forcing the little boy in me to compromise who he is so as not to disappoint.

So many choices made based on what others will think. Then the little boy finds dysfunctional ways to express himself. He has tantrums, like “binge” eating, pornography and masturbation, whatever….those are choices that are for HIM alone – personal, HIS choices, stuff HE can control and choose without the corrupting influence of “big Dan” saying, “don’t do that, don’t say this…what will THEY think!?” They are kept secret from the “others” and therefore they are his (the little boy’s) alone.

I wonder…if I served with my true heart, would I be a really good servant? Would I become an encourager?

“Now is the time and place to wrestle before the divine face. If you will stand firm, if you will not bend, you will see and perceive great wonders. You will see how Christ will storm the hell in you, and break your beasts.” – J.B.”

Back to 2006 – Alick’s talk about my relationship with food from yesterday: Compulsive eating (or any addictive/compulsive behavior) is the excuse to keep what’s hiding, hidden; what’s hiding wants to speak – it wants to talk-out it’s pain, but the compulsive behavior somehow keeps it hidden, or is the EXCUSE to keep it hidden.

I can see how the compulsive behavior IS the hiding. I’m struggling with the “excuse” idea. I don’t quite get that:  Eating compulsively ALLOWS me to keep something hidden?

If what I wrote in 2004 is true, then eating compulsively contributes to (allows; is an excuse for) continuing to avoid other’s disappointment. The pressure that builds up from living the un-healthy life of people pleasing gets released in the compulsive behavior, therefore allowing me to continue in the people pleasing “without direct consequence” from the people pleasing. It’s self-enabling.

Pheew! Is that it? What does the little boy want to say?

Listening.

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