March 25th, 2007

– A jacked-up video game system I scrounged from some else’s burned-out house.

– A broken dishwasher that’s never worked right.

– A second hand car.

– A gift car.

– 10 year old, stained carpet.

– Begging 3,000 dollars to take my family to the cheapest fucking motel I can find near Disneyland while other friends head off to Africa.

– An ill-advised junk mortgage that just might tank us.

– Even the siding on the house is shitty.

– The computer on which I type this is groaning and the CD Drive is broken.

– Manual lawn mower, mooched from my sister-in-law.

– Hi Def TV’s with digital fucking rewindable cable high speed fucking computerized bull shit waving in my face everywhere I turn.

– The power knob on our old TV doesn’t work.

– I have no hope of affording the last few bits of gear I need to make winter camping truly feasible…or even keep my current gear up to snuff.

– I’ll never get to England to see the place where my people come from.

I feel like I should be casting ALL THIS OFF! I want NONE OF IT BUT I’M TRAPPED IN IT!

I feel like I’ve irreperably compromised my life. Like I’ll never be able to untangle from all this bullshit. I just want to sell it all – build a cohousing project, plant a big garden and do ministry from a much simpler place.

I want “Sea Bus” (song by The Whole Bolivian Army www.twba.com)

But I feel like I’ve been damaged now. Not just my life style…not just my outsides, but my insides. I doubt my ability to lead anyone anymore. I’ve been broken. In fact I feel quite fucked up. I could no more trust myself to lovingly tell the truth to someone who needed it right now than I could trust a politician.

I’m as corrupted as my life has become.

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