June 9th, 2010

Wrote this today after a walk on the beach to find a stone for last week:

The trees reach up too high today,

they tear at the hem of a cloud

A bridal train in tatters,

ribbons of a heavenly shroud.

The waves reach not so high today

as to cover up the shore

They leave me room for walking

and I find I’m wanting more…

…more space more room more mind more prayer,

more heart more soul more vision

A growing space inside of me

crying out for a decision

Today I feel the emptiness

where once he stood with me

The Stone whose name is Weariness

forever there will be.

I found it today; the Stone called Weary;

nestled as it was in the sand.

I wept as I carried it, this Stone called Weary;

it marks where I used to stand.

CLASSWORK: Not much to report here except that this is perhaps THE single most useful (in terms of NEW information) class I have taken thus far. The material is reasoned, challenging but accessible. It makes me feel more confident as a teacher, and I can’t wait to apply it. Really good stuff.

READ/RITE/REFLECT; MARRIED TO DISTRACTION:

The opening discussion about how modern society (and technology in particular) hit home. The G-D Internet is always there….the author talked about having a naked woman in the closet at all times. Sometimes it feels that way for sure. I don’t worry about Brenda and this stuff too often. Yeah…it comes to mind now and again, but by God’s grace, I can just let it go. A couple of years ago it was almost more about the “secrets” than it was about anything physical. But I feel like the hold that both of those things had on me is largely gone. It’s strange…I’m just resigned to the fact that both Brenda and I (and everyone else) is broken. I’ve always known it…but I was trying to hold on to an UNREASONABLE ideal. I’ll always be an idealist, but as I get older I’m learning which ideals need to be let go of because they simply hinder LIFE. Feeling like I need to KNOW everything, BE everything to her…the Enneyagram “2” intimacy junkie thing….I’ve learned to let that go.

I’m wondering if I’ve let go too much. As I consider my own words from yesterday’s journal, and an e-mail exchange with Brenda today, I’m not comfortable with what I hear myself saying about not caring anymore. But  I simply WILL NOT go back to the old broken intimacy junkie!

Read through the chapter on anger too. I get scared of Brenda’s anger. It often seems un-directed, or maybe, “poorly” directed. It’s hard not to shut down, or respond in kind. Last night, apparently she was “mad at the situation”. That circumstance happens a lot, and it sure does feel like I’m part of the “situation” most of the time. We’ve been over this and over this for 20 years. Sometimes it’s better, sometimes not. I’ve just tried to focus on the stuff I can control and that’s how I choose to respond. I frequently fail if I’m feeling empty or insecure. That NEVER helps Brenda. I’ve got to get better at not being sucked into whatever is going on with her….for both our sakes.

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