Tag Archives: Prayer

January 20th, 2006

Posts, , , , ,

Once again, reviewing these entries (that I haven’t read for literally YEARS) and seeing them now in their “historical” context gets a little spooky. This entry was made in the midst of feelings of loss, betrayal and pain. I could not have known that at almost this exact moment, circumstances were unfolding that would lead me to new depths of pain, but it would be months before that fruit was harvested.

I quote God as saying “No.” Looking back now, it’s clear that I misheard him. He apparently had said, “Not yet.”

I hear God telling me something new: I’m not worthy of any “real” suffering yet. Because I will immediately turn it into self glorification.

The thought began with, “If I had something as bad or worse to suffer through as an example of HOW TO suffer for those around me who are tanking their lives by being selfish – it might make a difference. I actually felt a peace about that idea. I actually half-heartedly prayed for some hardship that could be used as an example for others for HOW TO SUFFER in a Godly way.

I heard God say “no”.  And He told me very clearly why. I don’t have the chops. I would not be a good example. I would turn it into my own glory.

Jam 1:2  Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

1Pe 2:20  For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.

I may do right on any given day, but I have not been given the joy of really suffering for it because I will blow the joy on myself.

Awareness is a beginning. God I want to become worthy of suffering for you.

July 10th, 2005

Posts, , , ,

Stillness this morning. Sitting in a chair on the landing, hidden from human sight, but able to see. A truly lovely, July morning.

I become very aware of two things:

1.      The birds.

2.      Missed potential.

I notice that there are two kinds of sounds. Those made by creatures (mostly birds in this case) and those made by things made by creatures (human inventions such as cars, air-conditioning equipment and trains.) There are sights and even smells too. There is a summer-morning dampness in the air that the sun works hard to evaporate. Then…the delicate fragrance of some kind of solvent wafts from the small shop next door…their air compressor starts, a bird heartily scolds someone or something and a truck roars down the road.

Then I notice the bird’s flights. They land on the roof across the parking lot at what I consider an un-usual location. They fly in patterns that do not correlate in any way to the right angles of the world around them. Their flights take them at odd angles to buildings and roads. This sounds remarkably stupid to say, but I realized that they don’t structure their lives based on what society has built around them. Yes they must alter their courses a little bit here and there. They improvise nesting sites in crevices and street lights, but it’s more like they have co-opted the man-made structures, not been changed by them.

They literally move ABOVE the din and refuse to acknowledge the land marks that are irrelevant to nest-building, food gathering and other ornithological pursuits.

I want to live like that. In the world but not of it.

As I often do, I inexplicably begin to cry when I think of all that must/should/has to be done today and next week and next year. I feel a tempest of desire and frustration brewing in my heart. So much to do. SO many things un-done. SO many possibilities. SO many people for whom I feel love, yet can’t express it properly. Not enough time, not enough heart, not enough of me.

SO much potential. So many people to be with, so much to share, so much of God I want to experience, so many places, so many, so many ideas that will never see the light of day. So many unwritten songs, so many paintings un-painted, so much love-making un-made, so much Kingdom potential un-tapped, so much disease un-healed.