Tag Archives: Confession

March 25th, 2007

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– A jacked-up video game system I scrounged from some else’s burned-out house.

– A broken dishwasher that’s never worked right.

– A second hand car.

– A gift car.

– 10 year old, stained carpet.

– Begging 3,000 dollars to take my family to the cheapest fucking motel I can find near Disneyland while other friends head off to Africa.

– An ill-advised junk mortgage that just might tank us.

– Even the siding on the house is shitty.

– The computer on which I type this is groaning and the CD Drive is broken.

– Manual lawn mower, mooched from my sister-in-law.

– Hi Def TV’s with digital fucking rewindable cable high speed fucking computerized bull shit waving in my face everywhere I turn.

– The power knob on our old TV doesn’t work.

– I have no hope of affording the last few bits of gear I need to make winter camping truly feasible…or even keep my current gear up to snuff.

– I’ll never get to England to see the place where my people come from.

I feel like I should be casting ALL THIS OFF! I want NONE OF IT BUT I’M TRAPPED IN IT!

I feel like I’ve irreperably compromised my life. Like I’ll never be able to untangle from all this bullshit. I just want to sell it all – build a cohousing project, plant a big garden and do ministry from a much simpler place.

I want “Sea Bus” (song by The Whole Bolivian Army www.twba.com)

But I feel like I’ve been damaged now. Not just my life style…not just my outsides, but my insides. I doubt my ability to lead anyone anymore. I’ve been broken. In fact I feel quite fucked up. I could no more trust myself to lovingly tell the truth to someone who needed it right now than I could trust a politician.

I’m as corrupted as my life has become.

November 13, 2006

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Maybe I’m a little less petulant today. But how am I really feeling? There was a little bit of lightness yesterday. Working on the art project was good. I woke up in the usual place I do this morning. Everything is so dark.

Can I let go of the rest of all this junk? I feel the anxiety of getting  tasks done pressing in on me. Mostly the worship concert and the candle lighting service. They are looming large – but I have delegated much of it – so it’s just the sense that “someone” has to be worried. That’s my job. To worry.

I feel a desire to be near God. A desire to be still. I miss Brenda.

Lord, I just want to feel you. I want to be free in you. I need to feel your love regardless of what I do. I need to know that I’m ….what I want to say is “loved” but I’m really thinking “doing the right thing”.

I want to be the hero. I want to be the ONE who loves J.R., Jill and Tim just “right”. I’m still so caught up in myself.

Talking with Jan on Sunday was good. I felt the sense that you were really speaking through me – I felt “wisdom” happen, and it all applied to ME not just Jan.

I can choose to “legitimately” put the victim uniform on. Or I can choose NOT TO. I can turn right and take my ball and go home. I can quit in protest of injustice. I will be justified by my peers. I can turn left and become a mewling beggar for pity. Living off table scraps of sympathy that fall from the banquet table of real affection.

Or I can choose something other than justice. I can choose mercy. I can let it go. Walk the middle ground – the hard road where there is neither condemnation, nor license. I grow weary when I consider that. It’s the land of the here and now = NOWHERE. The moment. Stillness. Silence. Solitude. Intimacy with my Abba.