Tag Archives: Doubt

May 2nd, 2007

Well, if the increased level of enemy resistance is any indication that one is headed in the right direction…I am apparently navigating quite well as of yesterday.

Angry, insecure and peevish thoughts  fill my mind like they have not for some time. A brand new “offense” from years ago occured to me this morning. I’m not even going to write it down.

God, these dark alleys are not just a threat to her.

March 25th, 2007

– A jacked-up video game system I scrounged from some else’s burned-out house.

– A broken dishwasher that’s never worked right.

– A second hand car.

– A gift car.

– 10 year old, stained carpet.

– Begging 3,000 dollars to take my family to the cheapest fucking motel I can find near Disneyland while other friends head off to Africa.

– An ill-advised junk mortgage that just might tank us.

– Even the siding on the house is shitty.

– The computer on which I type this is groaning and the CD Drive is broken.

– Manual lawn mower, mooched from my sister-in-law.

– Hi Def TV’s with digital fucking rewindable cable high speed fucking computerized bull shit waving in my face everywhere I turn.

– The power knob on our old TV doesn’t work.

– I have no hope of affording the last few bits of gear I need to make winter camping truly feasible…or even keep my current gear up to snuff.

– I’ll never get to England to see the place where my people come from.

I feel like I should be casting ALL THIS OFF! I want NONE OF IT BUT I’M TRAPPED IN IT!

I feel like I’ve irreperably compromised my life. Like I’ll never be able to untangle from all this bullshit. I just want to sell it all – build a cohousing project, plant a big garden and do ministry from a much simpler place.

I want “Sea Bus” (song by The Whole Bolivian Army www.twba.com)

But I feel like I’ve been damaged now. Not just my life style…not just my outsides, but my insides. I doubt my ability to lead anyone anymore. I’ve been broken. In fact I feel quite fucked up. I could no more trust myself to lovingly tell the truth to someone who needed it right now than I could trust a politician.

I’m as corrupted as my life has become.