Tag Archives: Sin

April 24th, 2007

So a couple of weeks ago we had another low-grade argument, or if you want to be optimistic, “a vigorous discussion”. The up-shot was, “Dan…you need to just let things go. Just stop trying to make things happen, don’t take offense…etc. etc.” So I turned a corner. I forced myself around a corner and I said…”o.k. I think I can do that.”

I feel like I’ve been sporadically successful at it so far.

But as I work to try to let it all go, I’m forced to realize that nothing has fundamentally changed since….the Fall of 2006.

We’re right where we were months ago. Just scarred and disfigured and with less trust in one another.

I don’t know what else to do. If I push, if I try…it’s invasive and unwelcome. If I let go…she just drifts away. I’m worried that I will just shut down; give up. She’s convinced that I will not shut down. “You’re afraid of that Dan, but it doesn’t ever happen…” she says with a certain smugness.

But she doesn’t know how close I am to just casting off. And I don’t like back-tracking; I can’t see any way back from the place I’m tempted to go.

But…based on that last conversation…I’m committed to letting go.

What a shame. We could have really been something together.

Okay, the truth is: I just wrote that last portion with her in mind…I was imagining her reading my journal. Before making today’s entry, I re-read all the entries from 18 months ago until now…and the thought got stuck in my head that I should let her read it. So that was on my mind as I wrote.

Funny…letting her read it is so appealing to me…even the scary parts that will make her mad, or hurt…because it would gain her attention, more specifically her PITY. That’s what I’m trying to get from her: Pity.

Well, here’s a little something else that will make it difficult to EVER let her see this: I’m having the early rumblings of an attraction for someone else. A woman who actually likes me…she actually likes me. She thinks I’m worth sharing secrets with. She trusts me. I think if I sat her down and shared with her…she’d let me in.

On top of that, a friend made contact with the child of my years-long high school crush. I had it BAD for her back in the day. Somehow, my name came up in their conversation, and this person says something like, “He’s one of my mom’s oldest friends. She tells stories about him all the time!” (or something like that).

I haven’t seen or heard from this woman in years, and I‘ve never even met her child.

But at least I’m a legend in SOMEBODY’S world.

Oh Dear God, please forgive me. Deliver me from evil. Help me up to my own cross. I’m too weak and scared. Lift me up…drive the nails.

Oh God, be with all of the people I am so willing to use.

March 25th, 2007

– A jacked-up video game system I scrounged from some else’s burned-out house.

– A broken dishwasher that’s never worked right.

– A second hand car.

– A gift car.

– 10 year old, stained carpet.

– Begging 3,000 dollars to take my family to the cheapest fucking motel I can find near Disneyland while other friends head off to Africa.

– An ill-advised junk mortgage that just might tank us.

– Even the siding on the house is shitty.

– The computer on which I type this is groaning and the CD Drive is broken.

– Manual lawn mower, mooched from my sister-in-law.

– Hi Def TV’s with digital fucking rewindable cable high speed fucking computerized bull shit waving in my face everywhere I turn.

– The power knob on our old TV doesn’t work.

– I have no hope of affording the last few bits of gear I need to make winter camping truly feasible…or even keep my current gear up to snuff.

– I’ll never get to England to see the place where my people come from.

I feel like I should be casting ALL THIS OFF! I want NONE OF IT BUT I’M TRAPPED IN IT!

I feel like I’ve irreperably compromised my life. Like I’ll never be able to untangle from all this bullshit. I just want to sell it all – build a cohousing project, plant a big garden and do ministry from a much simpler place.

I want “Sea Bus” (song by The Whole Bolivian Army www.twba.com)

But I feel like I’ve been damaged now. Not just my life style…not just my outsides, but my insides. I doubt my ability to lead anyone anymore. I’ve been broken. In fact I feel quite fucked up. I could no more trust myself to lovingly tell the truth to someone who needed it right now than I could trust a politician.

I’m as corrupted as my life has become.