I’m beginning to feel like I’m strictly representative of something else for Brenda. The thought occurred to me that I may not fully exist as a “person” in her world. I may be emblematic of certain things, some good and some bad – but I’m unsure whether I exist in her heart at all when I’m not actually right in front of her. I feel like I wink out of existence like a TV. or computer screen.
This does not mean she has no AFFECTION for me. She might even love me like she loves a song or My Space or avocados. But I’m more of a concept than a person; something that exists only in “her” universe and is not self-existent.
Maybe I’m a little less petulant today. But how am I really feeling? There was a little bit of lightness yesterday. Working on the art project was good. I woke up in the usual place I do this morning. Everything is so dark.
Can I let go of the rest of all this junk? I feel the anxiety of getting tasks done pressing in on me. Mostly the worship concert and the candle lighting service. They are looming large – but I have delegated much of it – so it’s just the sense that “someone” has to be worried. That’s my job. To worry.
I feel a desire to be near God. A desire to be still. I miss Brenda.
Lord, I just want to feel you. I want to be free in you. I need to feel your love regardless of what I do. I need to know that I’m ….what I want to say is “loved” but I’m really thinking “doing the right thing”.
I want to be the hero. I want to be the ONE who loves J.R., Jill and Tim just “right”. I’m still so caught up in myself.
Talking with Jan on Sunday was good. I felt the sense that you were really speaking through me – I felt “wisdom” happen, and it all applied to ME not just Jan.
I can choose to “legitimately” put the victim uniform on. Or I can choose NOT TO. I can turn right and take my ball and go home. I can quit in protest of injustice. I will be justified by my peers. I can turn left and become a mewling beggar for pity. Living off table scraps of sympathy that fall from the banquet table of real affection.
Or I can choose something other than justice. I can choose mercy. I can let it go. Walk the middle ground – the hard road where there is neither condemnation, nor license. I grow weary when I consider that. It’s the land of the here and now = NOWHERE. The moment. Stillness. Silence. Solitude. Intimacy with my Abba.