September 30, 2003

As I sat in this chair and tried to get comfortable in my skin, I began to touch my face, my cheeks, ears and my hair. I began to think of myself as a little boy…with new skin, pliable and resilient. No blemishes, skin that was caressed.

I’m weeping thinking about it. I don’t understand why though, Lord. I get a sense that I’m mourning…but that’s not it altogether. I feel my tears – warm on my cheeks. My brain reminds itself somewhere in the deep, simple places that tears are salty and my skin somehow manages to feel their saltiness! How does that work? How magical and whimsical of you God, to make us capable of this kind of complexity, blending body, mind, memory, spirit, intellect and chemistry into this whole.

I read somewhere that, “we are not placed IN bodies, we ARE bodies.”

It would seem, Father, that these simple realizations are what you  have in store for me today. I give you glory for your immense vision. You saw a man inside a fetus. You can see a grandfather, struggling to get up off the floor after wrestling with his grandson. He already lives somewhere amongst all the sinew and blood and bile that is heaped in this chair, inexplicably generating a magnetic field, metabolizing a cup of coffee and lasagna from last night, producing way too much cholesterol, mysteriously producing tears…simply because I FEEL something…what is that? Why would evolution allow something as stupid AND biological as “tears” to continue all the way into the most advanced expression of life yet seen?

Evolution wouldn’t. But you do. Oh God, free me from the thoughts of money. Free me from anxious dreams and thoughts that rob me of the moment to moment awareness that your creation is good. I love the HONEST feeling that I’ve been getting lately that I belong outside. That I belong in the wild. I NEED it. I am proud to be your creature when I feel that. I am proud to be a man.

Making love to Brenda the other day was such a gift. To be able to look into her eyes…un-blinkingly. To simply be WITH her. I can do that now because of you, Lord. You are showing me who I am and WHY I am.

A thought that has been troubling me lately just re-emerged. I’m really not praying for others very much. I have felt a PUSH to do so from a place of….anxiety…fear of poor performance..oh, disappointment. When the thought of praying for others comes to mind, I am IMMEDIATELY touched by a sense of failure…”I haven’t been doing this enough!”

I know that I should be praying more…duh. But shouldn’t I be feeling PULLED to do so? Drawn into it? Lured? Not guilted.

So I guess, Lord, I’m asking you to help me stay connected to my body – and I will offer you my praise and worship for it. I’m also asking that you guide me in HOW to pray for others. Perhaps you could show me something in your word this morning. Please?

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