December 4th, 2003

I am falling into an economy in which my desire is to have God add enough love to my life to compensate for the indifference and selfishness, rather than asking him to CHANGE me – to ELIMINATE the indifference and selfishness. Perhaps as Eldredge writes, it’s more like acknowledging that this already exists in my redeemed heart, and choosing to live it out. I’m asking God to add seasoning to the recipe to “compensate” for the bitterness of some of the other ingredients. What God wants to do is change the recipe altogether to eliminate the bitter ingredients…

I guess the question I’m asking today is: Do I really want that? I’ve been sliding for the last few weeks. I feel an enveloping sense of low-grade anxiety – a returning feeling of irritation with everything – especially Brenda. I’m having trouble looking her in the eye again. I’m having resentful thoughts and I’m actually trying to EMBRACE the idea that we could have a marriage with limited intimacy. It seems like we could both be content with it.

But then are these times when it feels like it’s almost everything God intends it to be between a man and a woman (nothing’s PERFECT)…

SO I’m really lost here, God. I guess it’s everything really – it’s just that Brenda is on the top of the list (which is a good thing when you think about it) but sleep and mindless TV watching are the things that hold the most allure for me right now. Food is even a bit annoying. I’m bored with all the music I have around me right now. Circumstances dictate that I don’t get to play as much as I would like, I can’t really get outside for any significant length of time, the upcoming adventure of foreign missions doesn’t even seem to be stimulating me like it did a few weeks ago. Christmas? Just more work. I don’t think I’m depressed – just bored.

I neither want to OVER estimate not UNDER estimate the impact of NOT having any solitude in November. I guess I will be able to tell in hindsight. Gotta plan my August trip right now before I talk myself out of it.

There: just bought a couple of trail guides to the North Cascades. I’m interested in The Thunderarm to Steheckin trail I’ve heard about. Maximum N.W. romance.

What a fickle heart I have. God – oh God.

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