February 8th, 2004

Birch Bay: Just re-read the journal from August. I swear, ½ of my spiritual/emotional and relational challenges are due to a crappy memory! Here are the concepts that God showed me on that trip that I have already forgotten about (with some additional processing included):

  1. I AM afraid of being alone…or really WAS afraid. The point is, out of the three basic FEARS that plague humanity, I’ve been operating like fear of REJECTION is my one and only. Not true. The fear of being ALONE is a real adversary. Perhaps a defeated adversary…but not destroyed.
  2. Back-tracking as a fear. Being afraid of having to anticipate what I already know is coming…man that just seems a mile thick…when I try to let that swim around in my mind it reminds me of those weird quasi-hallucinations just before falling asleep or when you have a fever; the ones where your feet feel 20 feet away or your limbs feel extra thick or heavy…an un-pleasant sleepiness….what is that? Back-tracking…I’M WASTING TIME! I think that’s it. Every sight of a landmark that I’ve already seen is a reminder that I was already here (FAILURE to find the shortest or most effective route to begin with) or an awareness that I’m actually moving AWAY from the destination…moving away from the goal, not ACCOMPLISHING anything…..hmmm.
  3. My fear of being a shame, a disappointment lead me to behave like a coward toward all the women in my life, including my Mom. God, I sense you bringing Candice to mind….am I supposed to be defending her? Am I supposed to say something? Do something? Pray for her? Is Sigmund Freud tramping around my Id trying to tell me I have a secret “thing” for her?
  4. What is it EXACTLY that I keep doing to the little boy inside me?
  5. DIS- appointment as a linguistic prompt to a spiritual reality.
  6. Rushing, work, anxiety, etc are all symptoms and/or attempts at NOT dis-appointing people – who likely SHOULD be DIS-appointed from the role of judge of my life. DIS-appointment ! WHOA! When I confessed to Jenny yesterday that I had made a “vow” regarding never saying “no” to an assignment from her – she remembered the context of that conflict between us as ME being dis-appointed in HER ….she used that exact word! There is some confusion here, but the essence is true: During that season, I WAS DIS-appointed in many people around here…But I was also very afraid of DIS-appointing THEM….this is tricky….
  7. Still don’t have a clear answer on why I don’t encourage more. Sam would. I know I’m Sam. What’s missing? IS it just a symptom of living it MORE and longer? Will it come naturally?
  8. The list of things I love includes completing things, learning their ESSENCE and then moving on, moving forward…CHANGE…ironic. Sam the home-body is actually the one who presses in to change?
  9. I’m beginning to question the Sam name and am re-thinking Merry and/or Pippin. NOBODY wants to be Pippin or Merry. They don’t get the girl – they are not shown to be noble or courageous until the VERY end. Why am I so quick to take the lowest possible place? Jesus says I should, but I feel like I tend to do it for the wrong reasons. I seek out a particular ROLE rather than just becoming what I am.

So here I sit, in quite a different environment than 6 months ago – remembering some of the things I had already forgotten.

The fireplace is on, it’s quiet…no river sounds, it’s cold outside, I’m in a lovely, well appointed room with all the amenities, but my prayer is for a similar touch from you, God. I don’t have 6 days, and I haven’t put as much “into” this – but I’m coming to listen, to heal, to be still and to be. Please continue to show me what I am.

I surrendered and watched T.V. for several hours last night, after I had committed that I wouldn’t. I went for a walk first – tried to go to bed early…alas. Read Psalm 69 because “shame” occurs in it. “May those who seek you not be put to shame because of me O God of Israel.” “You know my folly, O God, my guilt is not hidden from you.”

You know the truth, Lord.

I keep forcing the little boy in me to compromise who he is so as not to disappoint.

So many choices made based on what others will think, that require me to suppress the little boy who is truly me. Then the little boy finds dysfunctional ways to express himself. He has tantrums, like “binge” eating, porn, whatever….those are choices that are for HIM alone – personal, HIS choices, stuff HE can control and choose without the corrupting influence of “big Dan” saying, “don’t do that, don’t say this…what will THEY think!?” These choices are kept secret from the “others” and therefore they are his (the little boy’s) alone. He can protect them from the Big Dan.

I wonder…if I served with my true heart, would I be a really good servant? Would I become an encourager?

“Now is the time and place to wrestle before the divine face. If you will stand firm, if you will not bend, you will see and perceive great wonders. You will see how Christ will storm the hell in you, and break your beasts.” – J.B.

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