January 27th, 2004

After reading [the preceding posts], Mitch wants to save me. He’s concerned about my well-being. God, I love him so much for that! After I re-read the journal entries I sent the Drips, I want to be saved too. I thank you for doing just that. Oh God, please let me never forget from what I have been saved. Please never let me forget the despair, the fracturedness of life. Never let me forget the perpetual twilight – neither death nor life, but a constant, cloying in-between.

I don’t know if it’s just all the Drip-talk, the books that I’ve been reading lately, OR there is truly something BIGGER a-foot, God, but I feel the ambiguity, the compromise, the half-assedness of the people.

There are so many half-Jesus’ out there. SO many fabricated Gods – like card-board cut-outs; a creator trimmed and painted to appeal to the creation. SO many who claim the position of Christ-follower – and the truth is that while almost by coincidence, they move in the same direction you would have they move, they are not actually following you.

If I’m on the freeway heading North, and there is a semi-truck in front of me, also heading North at the same speed, I am not, by definition, necessarily following that truck. I am simply moving in a fashion which could give an observer that impression. And if I were to be challenged: “You’re not following that truck! You’re just driving along on your own!” all I would have to do is say – “Yes I am”, and continue on with no change what-so-ever, and there could be no intelligent dispute. This is the condition of the church in America.

God, I feel frustrated by the amount of this sort of thing. Several of my group members seemed completely nonplused when a discussion of “life purpose” revealed that they had NONE…literally none! “Eh.” was their summary response upon receiving this revelation. Wow. Then there are the Elaine Pagels, the Jesus Seminar, the DaVinci code, “The American Jesus”.

God I know you don’t need me to defend you, per se. but I need to have a response, a posture, a position, something solid and smooth to hang on to. Nothing flaky, crumbly or soft…nothing sleepy. I need a grip – not like trying to make a fist right as you’re waking up – weak and feeble. What do I do? I feel the sleepiness surrounding me – it pulls me into “Eh”….

The Land of Eh.

This I know: You have called me to BE someone, not just experience something; not to be just another chemical in the soup of life, but to BE a catalyst. Catalysts don’t SET OUT TO DO…they simply are. Holy Spirit, help me to be a catalyst today. The result of the chemical reactions are your concern, God (release of heat or light, phase-change, molecular transformation – whatever. That’s your department) but help me to hang on to the properties that make me useful as a catalyst, the things that define me:

I value the truth.

I’m loyal.

I’m persistent.

I’m in touch with my emotions.

I’m a calculated risk taker.

I love to create.

I see the potential in all people. (most of the time)

I’m a good follower.

I’m a good listener.

I can play the drums and sing at the same time.

These things and others are the borders between me and the Land of Eh. God, expand my borders and take back some of Eh for your Kingdom today.

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