July 13th-14th, 2004

“Absolom, my son, my son!” It had never occurred to me that my olderst child could have been a boy. I mean, the thought that I never knew the gender had crossed my mind– but it never struck me in the context of “destiny” because I am the father of daughters.

A secret longing for a son was poked at with a long stick. There was a harvest this last week.

I’m drained. I’ve been emptied. Lord, please show me who I am NOW…now that more of the façade has been chipped away.  I don’t want lose ground. I know that it is often two steps forward, and one step back….I just want to minimize that, and perhaps the depth of this particular episode would feel “Cheapened” if I didn’t “get it” …I mean ALL of it.

It’s been almost a year of journaling now. Thanks for this new means of getting with you, God.

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God, thank you for stirring my heart to pray for my community. To pray for the people who surround me – my people. I confess I do not have the heart that I know you want for me. It is still small and hard.

Holy Spirit, soften my heart. I pray that you would make me into a weeping prophet – one who feels – one who draws to himself, and thus to YOU all those who desire freedom from striving and grief.

Lord, give me a bigger heart for my daughters, for my wife, for my neighbors and my friends…for the people who come through our door looking for grocery money – for the scammers for the lazy and shiftless.

I hear you in Jesus’ words when he addressed the Pharisees at Matthew’s party: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

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