June 30th, 2004

I still feel “edgy” like I’m on the verge of something – like I’m about to sin…no, more like I’m about to be made aware of a sin…maybe it’s more of a feeling that I’m about to discover something shameful…that a truth about myself, that I am un-aware of, will be suddenly exposed…”the Emperor has no clothes!”

I’m asking whether I have what it takes, and I’m afraid I’m hearing whispers in the gallery: “He doesn’t.” I see still faces, embarrassed for me – some, awkwardly looking away, others blushing with humiliation for me. A tableau of faces frozen in quiet surprise at my ineptitude.

I know I do this for others all the time. I can’t bear to watch people sometimes when they do certain things, when they act in certain ways…I have to leave, I have to turn my head….or is it that I can’t watch OTHERS get embarrassed – I can’t watch the faces of disdain…I can’t look at my Dad’s face as he is being ashamed of my Mom. Is it not so much that I am ashamed – but that I can’t watch someone else shaming?

God, as I feel the pressure of money closing in again, I’m bringing not only my prayers and petitions to you, but I’m bringing the fear that I have somehow failed by not having prepared well for these up-coming expenses. Please show me where I might have stepped outside your will, and I beg for your forgiveness…I repent. Please show me where I can rest in the circumstances: where I can say that I have stewarded well, and this is simply the place where we are right now. Lord, bring me discipline and peace.

I pray that you would take care of extra expenses for our family vacation. Lord, please help us (me) not ruin the time we will have together with anxiety over over-spending, or disappointment over “need”.

Please show me how to handle the inevitable expenses associated with a week at the Jazz Workshop.

We need help with getting to the church retreat. Please show us what to do.

I’m going to need to spend some of my own $$ for Brazil – Lord I trust you with providing.

I’m worried that the people who owe us money, or have promised help with the Brazil trip will not come through. Extra expenses are sitting on our credit card right now and it feels heavy.

Thank you for the cost of living increase – just like last year, you passed by and said “Live.” (Ezekiel chapter 16 or so) And here we are…ALIVE. God please just guide me HOW to live – help me reject any grasping I might be engaged in here, and help me embrace the amazing blessings!

You have provided an amazing adventure to Brazil! A week away playing music (a gift from a friend), and a “free” vacation in the mountains. Thank you. Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you.

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