August 4th, 2004

Man – I do have a crappy memory. As I’ve said once before, my memory often seems to be the cause of my spiritual life slowing or stagnating! God help my memory, please. Help me hang on to the essence of the things you show me – like the desire for a bigger heart. My plea to be a weeping prophet. If I had remembered that prayer last week while crying without explanation, It would have been a worship experience.

But, whatever you want, Lord. You give and you take away…even memories.

Two things on my mind. First is the anxiety that Janice shared with me about the Brazil trip. When she mentioned that Will is QUITE anxious for my safety…that gave me pause. Will has exhibited great discernment in the past – so I’m taking notice. I’m also taking notice that he hasn’t said anything to me about it. What does that mean? Will’s resolve or acceptance that saying something to me won’t do anything….or is it all a lot of hocus pocus?

God…one thing this does is bring into stark relief is the fact that I give a lot of lip-service to the idea of dying. Whether Will or Janice or anyone else has discerned something real or not, I am standing before you this morning and declaring for all of creation to hear: I will obey you even on to death. Brazil aside –  I am willing to die here, in a quiet un-exciting way if that is what you have for me. I’m willing to waste away in old age and obscurity…if that’s what you have for me. I just want what you want. I want to be willing to die EVERY Day. To live today like it is my last. I don’t do that very well.

I just ask that you protect Brenda the girls and Jan. Protect their hearts if something should ever happen to me – if you take me. I think they will be covered in terms of “Stuff”….but please don’t let their hearts harden. And God, if it’s all the same – I don’t wanna die yet. I want more time with them. I want to see the girls grow up and I want to make love to Brenda more – to experience more of life with her. To learn how to love her better and better…but: Not my will. Yours.

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