Part I of the Brendan Liturgy Cont…
“Shall I abandon the comforts and benefits of my home?”…Brendan asks.
This is perhaps THE central question, asked a thousand times and answered in a thousand ways ranging from “Hell YES!” to “Hell NO!”
But yesterday, the question changed. At the intersection of where my internal world and the circumstances of my life there was that Divine Appointment. Yet I still don’t know what to DO.
So I’ll walk the Liturgy. I feel that Part I is plenty of grist for my wheezing, squeaky little mill right now.
“Is there a vision or a dream to follow?”
Yes and No. There IS a vision; a dream. I have had it for years now. I can’t even remember when it first occurred to me. But what makes it a “vision”? What is the taxonomy of a dream sourced in God’s will? We can look at Linnaeus’ list of characteristics and clearly see when the line is crossed from a reptile to a mammal. We have clear criteria.
But when I look back on my dreams of intentional community, of simple living, of a spiritual community that welcomes the wanderer…I can’t tell you it’s origins or the significant characteristics that would make it a : Vision.
I couldn’t even adequately define it for Brenda (to both our frustrations) and she has been living with this proto-vision-whatca-ma-call-it (well..living with ME) for at least as long as I have. If I can’t make it clear and simple to her – then it’s not clear and simple.
So YES there is a dream, but NO it cannot be followed….except.
There is much to it that emanates from within. It is attitude. It is mindfulness. It is prayer.
I’m left to wander inside my own jacked-up impulses, to feel the nearly constant tension between what I want to be and what actually am. How could I ever expect a Vision to coalesce around a completely unstable object?