August 7th, 2003

Day Four

It rained a little this morning. I can feel the anxiety trying to get at me when I think of two more days and nights.

I’m a little afraid again. It’s this fear of being “uncomfortable”. I don’t really have a handle on that. Jesus?

I claim my true heart, though. I surrender to Jesus, and what He says about me.

I forded the Elwah, and so leave the wilderness behind – I begin moving back into…whatever – but it is forward – not going back.

On to the Quinault.

What a climb! 1500 feet in a little under two miles. I could hear the enemy trying to get me to…”lose heart”. Ha! That’s what he wanted.

I fought back. I didn’t have to go fast. Who am I trying to impress? Who would be “ashamed” if it took me longer than…THAN WHAT?

Christie Falls danced and shouted it’s way off of Mt. Christie as I neared the top. Then just a few more feet and Lake Mary appeared. Mary. Hmmm. Seems fitting as a beginning point of true identity. Not to get all messianic or anything – just romantic- mythic. That’s me. I’ll soon be drinking water from the Quinault – no longer the Elwah. I hope it’s sweeter.

Oh God, how perfectly you have orchestrated the symphony that is this trip. How valiantly you fought for me today! Oh how you have won my heart!

I hear you now, saying that you were there when I was a little boy too – protecting me. Perhaps no one else could or would – but you were there. Thank you for welcoming me to this new reality.

You’ve brought me to this place of truly mythic beauty. The glaciers of Mt. Christie rise in front of me, her lower slopes thick with trees. The sun is chasing mist through the valley here, occasionally obscuring my view. But here at my feet, a meadow. Literally, birds sing, bees buzz, and wild flowers bloom. A lovely breeze caresses me gently, and the sun warms me perfectly. You are amazing!

What does Quinault mean?

It just keeps getting deeper! I began part 4 of “Waking the Dead” in which Eldredge begins with a quote from “Fellowship of the Ring”. He says that Frodo is brave…but he needs Merry and Pippin and the others.

I can barely wait to see what you have for me God!

Apparently a bear! A very fat black bear just cruised through the brush about 25 yards in front of me. He headed off without paying much notice to me…headed off UP-wind I might add.

Had some of the same feelings on my way into Twelvemile Camp…

Like yesterday, an oscillating pull toward hurry and anxiety over being out here a another day. I have this urge to be “done” now. It seems to be strongest when I’m actually walking. Once in camp – it is not as powerful at all.

About 10 young men here at camp when I arrived…all around 18 or 20 years old, in good shape and with top-of-the-line gear. They are headed for the Skyline Trail. Big time. I’m just a piker. But who cares.

(I AM waiting until they leave to set-up a bear wire, though. I don’t want to LOOK like a piker.)

Met and talked to Jerry for about ½ an hour. The most human interaction I’ve had in days. He practices a form of esoteric Hinduism and lives in Oakland. I’d say he’s about 60 and he LOOKS just like Gerry Garcia!

Satan has managed to create such intoxicating counterfeits of Christ. This guy actually accepted Jesus as his savior in 1973…he’s just kind of expanded into other “stuff”. He mentioned the “Christian exclusivity” issue…but I wasn’t debating.

I shared very openly about my trip, hoping he would see the common ground…give me an opening I could take. Instead he tried to teach me a mantra. He asked if I would give it a try…I told him I would consider it. Also asked him to read Job 38 when he got the chance. Don’t know for sure why I asked him to do that.

I’m anxious. I’m anxious about a bear getting at my home-made bear wire, about the weather, about being out here a whole ‘nother day!

It feels a little like that first day. I’ve re-read the journal so far to try to get some insight. Not helping.

I read aloud the prayer from “Waking the Dead” and did battle. I feel better now. God, it’s all about you.

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