October 14th, 2003

Geez..is that last entry really my life? Yes, I guess it is. I may not have acted out in willful sin in the last 10 days, but I don’t think it’s changed much. There is a slow leak of anxiety into my consciousness. I saw the stack of bills on my shelf, and have been thinking about  it a lot. Then – here is the interesting thing: My parents came over for dinner last night, and while everyone was milling around getting food, I was COMPELLED to go into the bedroom, open the as-yet un-opened bills, and see exactly what they were. I already knew. I know that we have them covered. What was it about that moment, Lord?

I feel myself starting to fight again. It’s like I’ve been leisurely, effortlessly and gracefully jetting down a water slide. Letting gravity have it’s way. Letting centrifugal force pull me up the banked turns to the absolute apex, and then rush right back into the groove at the center. It’s like a luge! You can see the lugers who simply go with it, who don’t over control, and who don’t let the speed get to them; they look like they’re flying! Then there’s the guys who work it..they bounce off the walls, drag their feet, get sideways in the chute. I feel like that’s happening to me. I’m tensing-up, lifting my head, over-steering, dragging my feet.

I’m going to re-read my journal from the trip. Try to remember when I was sliding very freely and very fast… “Day Two: The thought of going back seems to grow increasingly unthinkable, and this lines up with the way I do everyday life. I am afraid of going back – of having to anticipate what I know comes next.”

That thought really caught my attention. That and the fact that I said out loud last night that I need an adventure. The thought occurred to me as I read “Jesus is Victor” that a  mission trip might be in order. Was that a call? I don’t think so. Too selfish.

On an impulse, I grabbed “Travels with Charley” out of the night stand (left un-finished after several years). It intrigues me….I found an amazing passage about NW culture that I’ll be using in some kind of teaching about community and culture.

But what about this restlessness, God? This feeling of having not gotten everything out of the day – the fear of back- tracking, my need for an adventure….change.

Are you readying me, Lord? My prayer today is that you would help me experience every moment. I like the soft clickity-clack of the keys under my fingers. I can smell the candle my Mother-in-law made me as it burns on my windowsill. Jesus, prepare me for every moment. Give me strength for the task at hand. There will be adventures, there will be peace, there will be pain and torment, there will stillness and monotony.

There will be plenty to eat.

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